Yuna Sung (32 yrs old)
Level 7 / Wangsimni Meditation Center, Seoul, Korea
Written in Nov 13, 2015

I spent my childhood in a household with severe domestic violence.  In the midst of yelling and violence, I lived terrified and tormented, and all I could do was helplessly watch. Then one day, my mom wailed, “Let’s just die together.” That scene and my mother’s image was captured as a picture in my mind. That moment was so traumatic that from that day when I was 6 years old until I started to meditate, I never lived a single day wanting to live.

I would think, “If it weren’t for me, after mom and dad got married, they wouldn’t have to live like that. If it weren’t for me, my brother would not have been born into such a depressing environment…Why on earth was I born? If there is a god, why is he just looking on at my pain?”

However, even as I lived each long day reproaching myself and thinking that I wanted to die, the irony of it all was that I actually wanted to live. And, I wanted to live better and happier than anyone else. So at a certain point, I tried hard to live well.

I needed a reason, justification for why I should live in this world. So I merely believed in my physical body and undeniably lived every moment diligently. No matter what, I studied hard and worked hard to build up my qualifications. No matter where I went, I wanted to be the best and be recognized.

In that way I felt I was allowed to live in this world. However, the more I achieved, the larger my sense of futility grew and I couldn’t find the reason or meaning of life. So these thoughts kept piling and piling up in my heart to the point of explosion, and I came to the point where I couldn’t do anything about it. I literally wailed and begged that something be done with me. I begged, “Please, either kill me or save me. Please, take me out from here…” There was not a single day where I genuinely smiled. Rather, I cried and cried every day.

When I first started meditating, I wanted to escape my life. Initially, I thought I wanted to step away from society for a bit, breathe deeply, and find out what was wrong with me. However, as I went through the levels one at a time, I became so much more comfortable than I had ever anticipated. I began to feel joy and when I confirmed the universe is me, it felt as though all of the agony of 30 years melted away in one moment.

The ‘me’ who had lived suffering so badly didn’t exist. That self, which did not really exist, had been trapped like a fool. As I let go just a little, I felt free and happy. I didn’t know at first, but this is a really amazing meditation. I can’t believe I was able to discover this meditation. It seems like a dream.



Source: www.meditationlife.org